In my dreams it's not 3:2

I know I said I was sad, but it was really just for a minute. And while I wish it could have been different, I really only meant that for a minute too. I think what I loved most about you was how you could black out through anything. Even through me dying in my sleep.

I predicted that I'd wake from daydreaming 6 weeks before I actually did. I did a lot of things in those weeks that would indicate that I was still sleep deprived, that I was still oxygen deprived, that I was still reason deprived. And what is my excuse today?

I bet I'd still like you better when you're blacked out. I've spent so much of my life making myself small, holding my breath. I don't feel as compelled to anymore, though. Because there's no one here to forget me.

I go to bed way too early. Like I'm trying to miss something. While there really is a lot I miss there's not much I could sleep through. It's more like I'm missing something and trying not to miss it. I'm pouring the mineral water and trying not to think how it's not booze. I just hope I remember to drink it before the ice melts and waters it down.

In my dreams it's not decaf

I know I said I was angry, but it was really just for a minute. And while I wish it could have been different, I really only meant that for a minute too. I think what I loved most about you was how you could sleep through anything. Even through me dying in my sleep.

I predicted that I'd wake from sleepwalking 6 months before I actually did. I did a lot of things in those months that would indicate that I was still sleep deprived, that I was still oxygen deprived, that I was still reason deprived. And what is my excuse today?

I bet I'd still like you better when you're sleeping. I've spent so much of my life making myself invisible, holding my breath. I don't feel as compelled to anymore, though. Because there's no one here to ignore me.

I get up way too early. Like I'm going to miss something. While there really is a lot I miss there's not much I'd wake up early to get back. It's more like I'm waiting for something and trying not to wait. I'm putting on the tea and working on distracting myself so as not to watch the pot boil. I just hope I remember it's on before it all evaporates away.

Monogologue

But it's not lying. Because in the moment I said it, it was true for me. And then the next moment when it wasn't, I just never corrected it.

Because I got what I wanted. Which is you and not you. Because I'm too scared to really go without and I'm too scared to feel like I'm missing out.

Because I want you in my bed, always. Except when you aren't and then I want someone else. It's really for your benefit- because I roll to the middle too easily when you aren't there. And then when you come back, you have to keep pushing me to the right.... well maybe it's the dip in the bed and maybe it's that I just want to be close to (you) or you know... whoever.

I tried to tell you I was bad but you just wouldn't believe me. You believe everything else I say and now do you believe this? You should. Because I do. and I'll make it as true as I can manage- that's how strongly I believe it.

This monogamy thing, I don't think it's for me. I don't want to miss an opportunity, well I guess a different opportunity. Other than the one I'm missing now. The one that would let me see how awesome I could grow to be with you in my planter instead of my garden.