Earthquake Weather

It feels like the San Andreas fault. Like there is some secret timer counting down to Armageddon. There are supposed to be some tension releases over time. But we haven't had one in 8 years. Is the big one coming? Is this a slip fault? What will jut up between us?

I'm sitting in your living room and you're screaming. Your face is red. I'm obstinate. There is nothing left to say except everything we've never said to one another. You don't remember saying you wish you didn't have children. Maybe I misremember. I want to re-member everything that's broken. It's just not possible. There are too many missing pieces. Too many apologies that never found their way past our gritted teeth. We have to just move past the missed opportunity at the clinic, past the resentments, and past the lives we can't get back.

Because we wait so long everything smacks of 'this is how I really feel- everything else has meant nothing.' Our jaws unhinge so our fangs can fully extend and I can fit your whole corpse in my mouth. Our hips unhinge so we can give birth to the growing bitterness that has finally gestated.

I don't want to know what you can't say. I don't want to know what you fear will make me angry. Because everything made me angry. And now all I feel is sadness. Loss. The space I've held for something that was never there.

I used to be unable to cry because the bitter seed I'd planted sucked it from me. It grew and pushed against my throat when I would try to squeeze out a whimper. Maybe you think I sound different because I cry freely and often now. I removed my fist and tucked my heart back where it belongs. I'm working so hard to forgive myself and it will never matter if I forgive you. I'm the only one I've ever been disappointed with. You're the only one I've ever felt sorry for.

near sighted

I thought the best way to determine the safety of this structure was to get as close as possible and examine every fiber. The cell structure is perfect and mesmerizing. I'm following one line to the next, tracing it with my eyes and fingers- admiring the interconnectness. Seeing myself in it. The shape, the form fits right in my hands. It looks strong. It feels sturdy. It seems like I'm right where I belong.

I took a step back to get perspective. Can this structure hold my weight? Once I did, I realized it was moving. Moving away from me. Bucking. I've missed the pitfalls, the razors on the edges. I'm holding my breath because when I don't it sucks it away from me with the whoosh it makes as it's out the door.

I wish I could make you feel

as bad as I feel. So you would know what it's like. So you would understand.

It's the meanest thing anyone has ever said me. And it is competitive field- not an easy feat. But, we are all good at something. That's what they say isn't it? You would think it wouldn't be so easy to forget- but it was pretty easy to bury. Until you hear it muttered again- strangers seething. Where have I heard that before?

I want to tell them to just be sorry.