I said out loud that I wanted to be wanted

She's got the door swung wide open. Expecting someone to step in, maybe just not me. Even though I feel some slight desire to, I mostly feel obligation to peek my head in and say 'hi'. She doesn't even recognize me at first, but once there is recognition she immediately commands me to bring in my dog.

'All animals speak German' to which I respond 'All animals respond to the tone that is common in German'. And it's true. I do as she tells me. I locate her cigarettes for her and I open a bottle of wine.

I was just saying how strangers tell me everything. Lately I've felt like whatever I say out loud will come true. I want to imagine you holding your breath wondering what I've been saying out loud now. I've got a million things I can think to say and one that's sitting on the edges of my upturned mouth.

'Do you understand me?' after every few statements. Yes, yes- I understand. I can see that she believes me and that it thrills her. It's like I don't want to disappoint her but I need to shut this door. Before I know it I'm checking her phone outlets for her and telling her about my grandmother in Neu Isenburg.

She tells me that animals can sense good in people and that my animal must of have been loved, really loved in his early life. Because he's so trusting and he flips over and immediately shows his softest parts. I can't bring myself to tell her that it might he's so eager for it because it was actually withheld. That trust is not always rightly placed and that needs and desires can often out pace it. Because she just wants to believe that he loves her... and he probably does. So why burst her bubble?

'I have to tell you that your cookies saved my life. I was feeling so out of sorts, and I would have thrown myself from this balcony but for that it's not tall enough to kill me- just paralyze me..... but then, your cookies! And I felt connected! and I knew that I had made the right choice and that I was in the right place.'

I'm smiling and looking off the balcony and thinking 'she's right, it's not tall enough at all.' She photographed the same lighter for two years straight and keeps asking me if she seems crazy and if I am in fact a gay woman. Yes- that's the perfect way to say it. She says I look very young and feel very old.

I'm glad I can be company but I cannot do this for her, especially if we are not romantic. Then I catalog all the things I would be willing to do if I were interested in this woman. She tells me she goes 'both ways' and of her female lover who died. There are parts where I'm supposed to hug her and I don't and I feel cold for that. She goes on a tirade about guilt and feeling guilty for not being able to do everything for herself. And I think how desperately I want things done for me.

It makes me wonder if you are standing in front of an awaiting embrace too. If you're stepping into it.

She has these soft, sad eyes and keeps glaring into mine like there is some hidden answer beyond my lenses. She's probably found her reflection there- her water baby. It's so appropriate that she has a sculpture of a mirror titled 'self portrait'.

It's exactly right, it's exactly the way to say it. Always looking for the broken fragmented pieces of yourself in someone else. Maybe if you can fix it there, they can fix you too. Or you'll have enough practice, you'll have the right tools to fix it yourself-if you feel too guilty to ask for help. I wonder if she knows there are worse things than being alone. Maybe it's in my face as I'm leaving. I'm just so thankful I don't feel obligated to ask her if she understands.